Note: Starting in January 2025, we began publishing long-form book reviews written by GFPL staffers. The books are all available to check out at the Library, or from one of our Partner Libraries. We post a new review each month! Come back next month to find the next review.
‘How To Be Enough’ explores how to end harmful self criticisms
Review by Tina, Library Specialist
Book by Dr. Ellen Hendricksen
Do you have a tendency to be super critical of yourself? Do you evaluate your work, performance, or conversations with other people, over and over again? Do you have an internal set of rules and responsibilities for yourself that you have to follow, to the letter? Do you dwell on mistakes, past, present, and future? Do you have trouble with procrastination over large and small tasks? Do you have a need to show just the right emotion, in the right place, at the right time, and have firm control of your emotions, to avoid humiliation or criticism?
Sounds like a long list, doesn’t it? Well, in the book How to Be Enough, by Ellen Hendriksen, PhD, she lists these tendencies as indicators of perfectionism. As I read her book, I found it to be enlightening, eye-opening and, yes, a bit of a relief. Enlightening because I learned a lot about perfectionism within its pages; eye-opening because I was surprised by some of the things I learned; and relieved, because not only am I not alone, but I have discovered that there are ways to manage the desire to be perfect, without doing a personality overhaul!
Walt Disney and Fred Rogers were two famous perfectionists who influenced generations of children and families. However, they handled their drive to be perfect in different ways. Walt Disney saw his desire for flawlessness as an all-or-nothing goal: Either he succeeded or he failed miserably. As a result, Walt struggled with rigidity, worrying about what others thought, craving approval and acceptance, and micromanaging the many people who worked for him. Walt Disney achieved great success, benefitting millions of children and families but, in the end, he became a hermit of sorts, secluding himself away from the companionship of others, and becoming a very lonely man.
Fred Rogers, on the other hand, experienced perfectionism driven by cravings for warmth, relationships, and intimacy with others. He was detail-oriented and meticulous, striving for his kind of perfection. His goal was to raise the bar for the education of children, via television programming. Mr. Rogers’ efforts also benefitted millions of children and families. However, Fred Rogers was flexible, willing to consult with experts when necessary, and gregarious. His perfectionist criticism tended to turn inward. Fred forged relationships and friendships that lasted for decades. People felt his warmth, love, and acceptance, even commenting that a look from Fred felt like a hug with his eyes!
The book How to Be Enough is a wonderful source for those of us who struggle with the drive to become perfect. The author does a marvelous job discussing the different types of perfectionists, what compels them, how perfectionism can hinder their growth, and what small changes can be made to live well with all of the facets of being a perfectionist.
At the beginning of the book, Hendriksen describes the 3 main types of perfectionism:
- Self-oriented perfectionism, characterized by a natural tendency to criticize and beat ourselves up for every misstep and shortcoming, perceived or otherwise. (Most perfectionists fall into this category.)
- Other-oriented perfectionism, marked by unrealistic expectations of others, followed by harsh criticism when people fail to rise to the expected level of performance.
- Socially prescribed perfectionism, present when we feel that others expect us to be perfect, and that failure to meet those expectations will result in severe consequences. The incidence of this type of perfectionism is rising sharply, and is coming at us from many different sources, (i.e. family members, peers, employers, teachers, social media, etc.) Dr Hendriksen points to this as “the most toxic” form of perfectionism, leading to all kinds of disorders and physical ailments down the road.
Beyond the three major types of perfectionism lies the patchwork of the tapestry of being a perfectionist. Most people will experience a smorgasbord of characteristics involving more than one type of perfectionism. The possibilities are truly endless.
Hendriksen discusses the negative side effects of self-criticism, as a way to hammer home the need for the perfectionist to address the results of trying too hard, for too long, to be perfect. She talks about perfectionists feeling inadequate; the dwindling of motivation; being hypersensitive to criticism from others; increased stress; loss of enjoyment in the everyday joys of life; the loss of productivity; and the effect on connections with others.
One of the big traits Dr Hendriksen addresses is connection. (Some call it communion or community.) Often, while perfectionists are trying so hard to get it right, they forget about connecting with other people, failing to form the strong bonds that are necessary to us as human beings. In other cases, perfectionists are so worried about what other people think about them that they shy away from opportunities for connection, fearing they’ll never measure up. All of this causes the very thing perfectionists dread: a separateness from, or not belonging to, their own group. This leads to isolation and loneliness.
What follows are a number of case study examples of the different varieties of perfectionism, along with ways and suggestions to turn negative aspects into positives. Dr Hendriksen advocates small changes in the way perfectionists approach life, as opposed to major life changes. After all, core values and beliefs held by perfectionists are noble: conscientiousness, commitment, work ethic, grit, high standards, reliability, compassion, and connection.
As the book progresses, the reader follows the progress of individuals as their stories are woven throughout the author’s chapters and lessons. Dr Hendriksen also addresses the reader throughout, giving tips, sage advice, and short exercises to complete, aimed at changing the reader’s mindset. By the end of the book, we are left with the feeling that we can find ways to embrace the positive aspects of our perfectionist traits, without hanging onto the negative aspects that we had to deal in the past.
How to Be Enough, by Ellen Hendriksen, PhD, is a wonderful book to read, whether you deal with perfectionism, you just want to learn about the drive to be perfect, or your loved one is a perfectionist.
